me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You Might Also Like
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’ve been drinking.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Can Happiness buy money?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning