Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Yup.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
buys donuts instead
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.