[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit