All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You Might Also Like
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.