date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though