Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches