Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Mornin
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…