I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’m about to risk it all
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that