15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
You Might Also Like
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
same energy
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup