*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is