*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?