Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos