These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Cats are still liquid.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Schrödinger’s cookie
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.