Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
<—- homeless romantic
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
😍😂🥰😂😍
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.