Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo