me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..