My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.