I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: