ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost