Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”