I have so many questions.
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.