It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
She: I like Cats
He:
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.