My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.