three things we don’t talk about
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…