If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.