[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You Might Also Like
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Good boy 😂😂