*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You Might Also Like
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My last name is Zilla.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.