DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs