My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
just having fun
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
🙂🙃🥹
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Rambo Rambow
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.