Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.