I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.