me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Netflix and awkward silence?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Me: how are you
Friday: good