If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.