when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*