I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
and now we wait
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
is this a warning or an offer?
Introverted vegans go meetless
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
sugar glider wrangler
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Every time my phone rings
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”