Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
RT if you could go either way.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise