I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.