A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Selfie
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂