if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.