*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.