“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week