I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide