My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas