You deplete me
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”