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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Can’t stop laughing
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards