They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I did not eat the cake…
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes