[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
pat pat
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.