I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.