Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me before I type out affect or effect
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.