Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.